A Photo, A Shadow, A Mirror

Some girls in this world always see themselves as fat. They spend all day starving or purging. The only time I ever look fat to myself is when I look at a photo or see my shadow, or when I look in that unavoidable mirror. I often wish I could be like those girls, even though I know it's not good. I just wish it were easier for me to remember how fat I am every minute of the day. Then maybe the temptation for food wouldn't be so strong and the will to exercise would.
It seems like every time I see a new photo of myself, I relight that fire under my big fat butt that often dies out. You know, that fire that tells me to order a chicken sandwich instead of a burger and that even though it's 103 degrees outside I still need to go for that walk.
And then I think about how wonderful a man my husband is to still be with me. How handsome he is, and how he should be with someone so thin and beautiful. He told me once that if I were thin I "would be smokin." I often think about that. It's good motivation.
Motivation.......yeah, that's something I have so much of. My grandma basically died from her poor health. There is so many overweight people in my family, mostly dad's side. And my kids....they should be my biggest motivation. I know Brody has my genes and it's very likely that he will be an obese child, I MUST keep that from happening.
I've lost the weight before, I know I can do it again. It just seems like there are so many obstacles.
Pray for me!

"Nothing tastes as good as it feels to be thin."

My Near Death Experience

This past weekend my sister and I went canoeing on the Ninguagua river in Lebanon, Missouri. I did it once before with my mom, so I wasn't too worried, but.... this time I got a little too close to death.
We had gotten about half way down the river, and anyone who's ever done it before knows that it takes most of the day to get all the way down. The river had split for a while, so we came up to where it met again and there was a lot of traffic, logs and brush to try and navigate through, plus the current was VERY strong at that point. We went into a bit of a spin, and then flipped. This normally would not be any big deal, except that this time I got caught under the canoe. Wow. I was under the water trying to get up and when I realized I wasn't, I looked up and saw the canoe on top of me. That's when I started to freak out. It felt like forever went by when the next thing I new I was holding on to someones canoe trying to ketch my breath. I have no idea how I got there. Earlier in the day we had past by this family, a mom and dad and two very young kids maybe aged 4 and 6. Their canoe had flipped a little bit and the kids were very scared and crying. It was all I took not to cry myself. I just saw my own kids in them. Their mom was trying to calm them down as they tried to gain control. They had life jackets on so they really were very safe, just very scared. Anyway, it was quite an eventful weekend. It kinda makes you rethink things and realize the wonderful things you've got in your life.

4th of July 2008

Everytime a holiday comes around it reminds my how fast my life is going by, how fast my kids are growing. This was Brody's 2nd 4th of July and Dawsons 5th. And my, um.......you know, whatever. I cant understand why Dawson is so afraid of the noise. We always put headphones on him because of it. He has never liked loud noises. I hope he grows out of this before he gets into school. Brody on the other hand, doesn't seem to mind it at bit.